Dodgeball High by Bradley Sands

Author:Bradley Sands
Language: eng
Format: mobi
Publisher: Lazy Fascist
Published: 2014-10-12T07:00:00+00:00

STUNT CLUB VS. CHESS CLUB

I gather my team into a huddle and say, “Listen up, ladies.” I turn to the ugly chick on the team. “And lady. So I’ve just elected myself as your club president. I’m our best player. I mean, who else would replace Kamikaze? That guy shouldn’t have been president in the first place. Face it—the guy sucks at dodgeball. Anyways, I’m honored to represent you as your athletic superior.”

“Fuck off,” Big Lips says. “How can you be president? I’ve never even seen you perform a stunt except getting kicked in the face, and that’s amateur stuff.”

“Who cares? This is about dodgeball, not stunts.”

Ugly Chick says, “We’re Stunt Club, moron.”

I say, “Yeah, but this isn’t Ugly Club either.”

She cries because she knows it’s true.

“Is there anyone else who wants to question my authority and get totally schooled in school?” I crack up.

“Stunt off,” Ugly Chick says through her tears.

“Stunt off,” Big Lips.

“Whoever wins is our new president,” Pyro Kid says.

Then Ugly Chick pepper-sprays herself in the face and Big Lips rides barefoot on top of a skateboard that’s on fire and Pyro Kid shoves a beehive up his ass and runs across the gym as he pounds it into himself.

I do an awesome dance.

“Whoa,” Big Lips says. “That was pretty gnarly, Brian.”

Ugly Chick rubs her eyes and shrieks. “Yeah, really great.”

“Thanks, guys,” I say, “but my name isn’t Brian.”

Big Lips points to Pyro Kid. “He’s Brian.”

“Nah, I’m pretty sure he’s Pyro Kid.”

“What are you talking about?” Ugly Chick asks. “Whatever… So we’re agreed: Brian is our new president, right?”

“This is total bullshit,” I say. “How could you even tell how great Pyro Kid is at fucking himself with a beehive after you squirted that shit in your eyes?”

“I’ve done it so many times I’m immune to it,” she says, then she screams some more.

“But what about my awesome dance? It was EX-TREME.”

“This isn’t Shitty Dancing Club, new kid,” says this other teammate who has terrible taste in dancing and is incapable of making me feel bad about myself.

Pyro Kid takes the beehive out of his ass. “I accept your presidential nomination. Now let’s huddle up, guys.”

No, my awesome dancing does not accept your authority, Pyro Kid, so I WILL NOT huddle up.

“Listen, team,” he says, but I’m not listening. “I know we’re two men down, but we can still take these guys. Stunt Club reigns supreme. There’s no way we can lose. And even if we do, we’re still winners as long as we try our best and have fun.” Then he puts his hands in the middle and everyone else puts their hands on top of his and they yell, “Break!” in an effort to show Chess Club how super gay they are, which they succeed at even though Chess Club are pretty gay themselves considering they’re wearing chess piece costumes—like Rifkin looks like a dweeby alien with a black conehead skullhat thing and Kamikaze is dressed like a horse and Dodie is wearing a queen-gown or whatever it’s called.

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